Conflict Resolution
NMBC Conflict Resolution and Grievance Procedures
Published Oct 2022
Biblical Foundations
Human beings have never been immune from conflict. It is witnessed throughout our history, and is witnessed throughout our scriptures. We read about conflict in the early church, amongst the disciples of Jesus during his earthly ministry, and Jesus himself had conflict with both his opponents and his followers.
It is because of the ever-present nature of conflict in human relationships that our scriptures offer guidance and call us to be people of reconciliation. Jesus offers steps to reconciliation (Matthew 18:15–22), and we see the early church come together for serious discussion about their differences (Acts 6:1-6; Acts 15). In these examples, we see exemplified various exhortations that we receive: to bear with one another in love (Colossians 3:12-17), to strive for unity of the Spirit (Ephesians 4:3), to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:1-16), and to be quick to listen and slow to anger (James 1:19). We are better together, and we recognize that our church needs each person, their gifts and their perspectives are what make us a body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12–14).
Reconciliation is at the heart of the Good News, and we as gospel people are to be ambassadors of reconciliation (Romans 5:1–11; 2 Corinthians 5:17–20). This also encompasses the conflicts that we ourselves may become embroiled in. Learning to agree and disagree in love is important, as the Lord Jesus makes it clear that lack of reconciliation negates our worship (Matthew 5:23–24) and our lack of ability to forgive and work through our issues become a barrier in our individual relationship with God (Matthew 6:14–15).
In our work to reconcile amongst ourselves as a family of faith, we seek to treat others how we want to be treated, to listen to others as we wish to be listened to, and to forgive others as we hope to be forgiven. In doing these things, we seek the unity that the Holy Spirit provides, and the peace of God that comes by acting justly and loving mercy (Amos 5:21–24; Micah 6:6-8; Matthew 23:23-24).
Basic Principles for Conflict Resolution
1. In interpersonal and group conflicts within our church community, people should take the steps identified in the Guidelines for Reconciliation below without the help of a third party — our goal is always faithful resolution and reconciliation amongst our spiritual family. But if conflict escalates and the principal parties cannot resolve it after working hard by negotiating together, they should seek a third party. NMBC has a Mediation Ministry for such times as these. In mediation, disputing parties come to their own agreement with the assistance of an objective third party. The mediators can help people come to agreement on issues and also aid in healing broken relationships.
2. There is a significant difference between conflict and abuse, and NMBC will handle all abuse allegations with the utmost seriousness, which first and foremost means reducing hurt and harm to the affected parties. In situations where there are significant imbalances of power and/or where the grievant feels physically or emotionally unsafe in addressing the alleged offender, having to take a direct approach can disempower the grievant, exacerbate the conflict, and can lead to spiritual abuse, and hinder resolution. All of this undermines the well-being of the individual(s) and ultimately the wider community. The Guidelines for Reconciliationdetailed below do not apply to allegations of physical and sexual abuse. On these matters, the Grievance Policy should be applied.
If you have suffered abuse from someone in our church community (sexual, physical, or severe emotional/mental/spiritual), immediately contact one of our pastors, who will walk alongside you as the manner is reported to the proper authorities.
Guidelines for Reconciliation
When individual members (or groups of members) of the church community have a conflict:
ACKNOWLEDGE together that the conflict exists by going directly and privately to those with whom we disagree (Matthew 5:23–24; Matthew 18:15-20). In this step, seek to honestly answer (and listen to) the following questions:
What happened? Or, what's happening? Or, what did you think when you realized what had happened?
How have you and others been affected by what happened?
What's been the hardest thing for you?
What do you think needs to happen to make things right or to move forward?
What are you willing to do to help set things right or to move forward?
COMMIT to the following:
To pray for God’s wisdom to resolve the issue and for hearts of reconciliation for both yourself and the other party
To own our own part in the situation (Galatians 6:1-5), using “I” statements, rather than “you” statements
To seek understanding by listening carefully and patiently (James 1:19; Proverbs 18:13)
To suspend judgments by avoiding labeling, name calling, caricaturing, defensiveness, and outbursts of anger (Romans 2:1-4; Galatians 5:22-26, James 1:19-20; Ecclesiastes 7:9; Colossians 3:8; 1 Timothy 2:8)
To avoid accusatory language when we speak truthfully about how we feel or what we think (Philippians 2:3-4)
WORK CONSTRUCTIVELY through the disagreement(s) (Acts 15; Philippians 2:1-11) using the following steps:
Pray together asking for God’s leading and for hearts of reconciliation.
Acknowledge what you have each contributed to this problem.
Seek to identify the issues while gently sharing your concerns/perspectives.
Listen carefully and make sure you understand each other’s perspective.
Generate several options that meet the needs of both parties, rather than defending your own preference
Evaluate the different options together
Collaborate and cooperate towards the agreement
Affirm one another as you work towards compromise and resolution
PERSEVERE in resolving this conflict. If the first meeting does not result in an acceptable resolution, agree to pray separately over the situation and set a time to meet again. Attempt to resolve the conflict by repeating the above steps.
SEEK HELP from the Mediation Team if the conflict remains unresolved. The issue should be brought to one of the pastors, who can then direct the people to the Mediation Ministry. This is a group of trusted individuals recognized in our community to help with conflict resolution. The work of the Mediation Ministry will be to help the parties work through the conflict, providing an impartial third perspective.
Unwilling Parties
When one member does not acknowledge the conflict and the issue needs to be reconciled, one or two trusted community members should be brought along (Matthew 18:16) in hopes of beginning the work of Acknowledgment. This should not be used as a bullying or intimidation tactic, but rather as a way to impart the seriousness of the conflict and the sincerity of the desire to reconcile. The hope is that the members can then work through the above guidelines.
If, after bringing one or two others there is still no recognition and desire to reconcile, the church community needs to be engaged (Matthew 18:17). At NMBC, this engagement takes place with the Mediation Ministry, trusted individuals recognized in and chosen by our community to help with conflict resolution. The work of the Mediation Ministry will be to help the parties work through the conflict, providing an impartial third perspective. Should both parties agree to go through the process with the guidance of the Mediation Ministry, the parties should strive to abide by the collective resolution of the group.
Failure to Reconcile
Should: (1) one party still not acknowledge the issue and refuse to engage in the resolution process; or (2) one (or both) party refuses to abide by the resolution that was reached through the mediation process, then the Mediation Ministry will bring the issue to the Senior Pastor and Governance Board. Depending on the parties involved, this may result in church discipline, removal from membership, requirement for professional counselling, restraining orders, or termination (in the case of staff).